Enough: Unraveling the Lie That Runs the World
by Katie Simons, PharmD, CCHT
When I was working in the hospital system, I would wake up to an alarm clock at 5:30 am (plus at least 3 snoozes). I’d roll out of bed, start the coffee, and get myself ready for work. Brush teeth, wash face, do hair, find a business-casual outfit, grab my coffee, and hit the road. Work day, followed by the climbing gym or an outdoor activity, then dinner and maybe some relaxation.
A few times a week I’d see friends, but really I lived for the weekends. A time to adventure, party, take in live music, sleep in, explore the backcountry, host a 30-person dinner party, or whatever was on the docket - and there had to be something on the docket. This was life crammed into an evening and 2 days. Empty time simply wasn't acceptable. Relaxation? Boring. Rest? For when I’m dead. And every Sunday afternoon would bring a case of the dreadful Sunday scaries before I did it all over again.
I still have no idea how I operated this way for so long. I never stopped to consider what was driving me: What motivated me to grind like this just to get to the weekend? What was I actually living for, and why? I distinctly remember my then-husband looking at me on more than one occasion and asking, “Can you just relax for one evening?” I just kept going because that’s just what adults do. We chase money and success for free weekends and PTO, right?
It wasn’t until I was well into healthcare worker burnout post-COVID and a full-life burn-down that I was forced to stop and consider my “why”s. And not just at the surface, but deeply. On the surface, the answers seemed obvious and even mundane. “I work to make money so I can have things to enjoy my life.” “I got married to have a partner to enjoy life with.” “Work, marriage, and owning a home give me security.” But it hadn’t worked out. These answers had failed me, leaving me heartbroken, exhausted, and more than a little lost. With the slate cleared, I had to dig into what had driven me full-tilt into this undesired life reset.
My answer first cracked open in the tiny town of Parrita on the western coast of Costa Rica during my first process sitting with ayahuasca. The third night of ceremony, she showed me a full view of my self-loathing and shame. It was excruciating because, in that moment, it was all-encompassing. I was The Problem. I was wrong and bad. Everything was all my fault - not just my life burning down, but everything from that very moment into the past and the future.
I tried to purge, and I couldn’t. Even that felt like a personal failure at the time. It was like the medicine needed me to really feel my shame. No more bypassing and acting like it was all good. I had to sit, steeping in it all night and the next day. It was a terrifying and painful moment of shadow work. This was inside me, part of me, and I had to feel it in order to recognize it.
Late the following day, I began to gain perspective. With some supportive conversation, I was able to step out of the experience of my shame and self-loathing and view it from the outside. As I looked at it, I could see this is what had been driving me. This had been my “why” for everything I had done my entire adult life. Nothing had been a freely made choice - It had all been wrapped up in proving worth and running away from shame. (Sigh) Damn.
With this realization came the first step: I didn't have to earn love. I am love. The following night at my last ceremony of the process, the ceremony of the gifts, the medicine gave me the experience of being love. It was glorious. I felt I was one with all that is, as my soul knows to be my truest state. Integrating that experience remains a practice. Seeing my shame and self-deprecation and then experiencing the truth of connection and love did not magically transform my relationship with myself. It was just one layer of a stack of Russian dolls.
As the years have passed since this realization, more shells of the Russian doll of my experience of myself have come away. Layers of fear and rage. Layers of self-protection and ego. So many layers of self-doubt - “What am I doing wrong?” Each layer came away only after I felt it and let my body process it by moving that energy through crying, screaming, writing, dancing, or purging. Processing and grounding always brought a new wave of self-awareness. I could see myself from a new angle - a continuous shedding process that provided the experience of progressive expansion.
I can’t lie here - the shedding moments usually suck. It is provocative work to feel and integrate one’s shadow pieces. The emotions that come up include rage, fear, grief, loneliness, hopelessness, guilt, and shame. They aren't pleasant to feel, and each shadow attached to these emotions has a narrative. An old story from my past that it wanted to whisper in my ear. “Nobody really likes you. You said that thing all wrong, and everyone now thinks you're dumb.” “You’re going to run out of money and end up homeless or living back at your parents' house.” “I can’t believe you’ve gained weight. Your partner isn’t going to stay with you.” “You fail at everything.”
These stories sound ridiculous in writing, and that’s because they truly are ridiculous. But when you couple them with big, painful emotional sensations, oh boy, do they have some very real teeth. It is easy to get sucked into these narratives and get stuck believing them. It’s also easy to get reactive and protective around them and start projecting their pain onto those around you. I learned over time that when I’m feeling big feelings, it’s best to get curious about whether they are in proportion to the experience I am in. When the honest answer is “no,” I know I’m dealing with a shadow piece, and it’s time to start the shedding process once again.
What I am shedding is an old narrative. A myth that my nervous system integrated as truth when I was young. And I have to turn the shedding process over to my body. My body knows how to move the energy, let go of what is not true and no longer needed, and send it to the ground. The earth takes all my sheds and mulches their energy. Sometimes shedding a layer takes hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, but it always comes to an end. And what it leaves behind is a part of myself that needs love and integration back into the whole. I then get to welcome each part of me back, loving her and caring for her the way she has always deserved.
After years of shedding, I have found the smallest Russian doll at the center of it all. This doll, like many other layers, is painted in a lie. But the lie at the center is the biggest lie of all. This lie says “I am not enough.” The lie of inadequacy.
It’s an ugly, painful lie. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not making enough money. Not successful enough. Not strong enough. Not skinny enough. Not popular enough. On and on and on. This lie is exhausting, because nothing is ever enough. Nothing could fill this void of feeling entirely inadequate. This belief had me always running from the feeling of not being enough, like I was being chased by someone with a big stick.
And reaching for something, anything, to prove I am enough. Chronically dissatisfied. There is always more. More to gain. More to achieve. More success. More to buy. More relationships. More to experience. More to build. More. More. More.
And the more I looked at it, the more I realized, OMG, this lie isn’t just my lie. This lie belongs to everyone. This is the lie that drove not just me, but all of humanity throughout history. This is the lie centrally propagated by religion, education, the medical system, fashion and beauty industry, capitalism, generational trauma, and the entirety of the systems society operates within. I can look around and see this lie playing out in every person around me.
I’m sure you know this lie too. We’ve all felt its teeth. When we realize that we are all operating under the power of this falsity, we can start to see the interrelated sentiments and behaviors it draws us into. Comparison, competitiveness, judgment. All self-protective responses that undermine heartfelt connection. So not only does this wound have us running around self-sabotaging, it compromises our ability to connect with each other too.
Once you see this, you cannot unsee it. It’s enormous, and it’s the biggest hoax playing out in each of us, in humanity, and in history. Why? Because it is impossible for any of us to not be enough. Simply and utterly impossible.
We are innately, naturally, imperfectly enough.
None of us look at a flock of pigeons and say “The white ones are enough, but all the rest, they are inadequate.” Or fill our glass with water and think, “The first 1000 drops of water in this glass are adequate, but the rest have something lacking.” No, we don’t do that because that would be absurd. These responses to pigeons and water lack as much logic and reason as believing we're somehow inadequate. It’s just silly.
Now, I realize that the mind may have a hard time with this one, especially if it’s stuck in comparison. The narrative may go something like “This makes no sense. I still don’t have all my debts paid off, and I don’t have the house I really want. I’m still single. If I could just get that promotion at work, make a bit more, and lose 10 pounds, then I’ll have a much better chance of getting a partner. Then I can feel like enough.”
And that’s the pattern of the lie, the habitual cognitive construct, playing out as a limiting belief. When we accept that perfection isn't real, that there's no gold standard for how we are supposed to experience life, and that joy and pain are part of the experience no matter what we do, then perhaps we can separate these things from being a personal reflection of us.
Your job, your income, your relationship status, your car, your house, your parental status, your bank account, your friends group, your social media status - these are all just things that are part of your experience in this life. These are not indications of your adequacy. Even the fact that we refer to several of these things as “status” shows how our language keeps us stuck in comparison, in the trap of inadequacy. So let me state it again: All the parts and pieces and factors of your life are simply parts of your experience. They are not indications of your adequacy.
Are you with me?
I drive this point home not to be redundant, but because it won’t end until we all wake up to this lie. The only thing keeping this lie alive is our collective belief in it. And as long as we believe in it, we will continue to be prisoners to it and pass it along to the generations behind us.
Once the awareness settles in, and there is acceptance of this myth playing out in our lived experience of ourselves, and therefore, the world around us, then we get to repaint our smallest Russian doll. As we shed the lie, all the versions of us that believed it come out of the shadows, asking for love, acceptance, and sometimes forgiveness. Down to the center of ourselves this process takes us, grounding each layer in truth - You are enough. I love you. Welcome home. This is the truth the central Russian is repainted in, the innate truth of love, nature, and freedom. This is what we are made of and for.
And when we realize that, then our “why” becomes our choice. We no longer have to spend our energy running away or striving. We are freed to follow our passion, excitement, and creativity. When we kick out the lie of inadequacy, our energy becomes ours to direct as we choose.
We can call this process healing, re-membering, reclamation, individuation, metamorphosis, or any other number of words. It starts with the simple question “What is really driving me?” And it ends with integration of the truth: We are innately enough. It ends with freedom…and that is a beautiful beginning.
